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Lately my depression has been pretty mild. I could tell I've been manic because I just want to spend, spend, spend when I know I should be saving my money. I'm doing my best to keep it under control but I keep finding ways to justify my purchases even though they are not necessities (unless you consider jewlery, tiaras, action figures, and makeup necessities). I'm not in the red though so I am just being far more careful not since I know that I need to put away to get a dental partial put in.

That is one of my biggest issues right now is my teeth. I have a sever phobia of the dentist, and I mean really severe. I didn't go for years because I would have a panic attack in the waiting room. Part of this has to do with them not getting me numb, the other part is just pure anxiety. So now that my doctor has me on Valium I'm finally getting them taken care of but I have lost two of my bottom molars so I need to put money away to get a partial so I can eat comfortably again.

However my biggest issue right now is my heart. I've been struggling with severe hypertension for six years now (I'm only 23), I'm on three blood pressure medications and my readings still aren't normal. I've been poked, proded, scanned and monitored and still we are at a loss. They recently hooked me up to a Holter Monitor (basically a portable EKG)because they are scared my heart is skipping a beat which can lead to blood clots and even worse heart failure. I'm terrified and yet at home I just act like I'm okay. I hide how truly scared I am. I want to cry about it but I can't. I'm trying to stay positive but I did that with the Polycistic Ovarian Syndrom test and then it was positive. It's been four days and still no answers I just want to know. I just hope that if something is wrong my heart waits long enough for us to do something about it.
Current Mood:
scared scared
Current Music:
Russian Roulette
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Oy vey! Here come finals right around the corner. I have the rest of this week and then next week is finals! I can't believe how fast this semester has gone by. I am a bit worried about grades but I always am. My biggest concern right now is that I have a five page paper due tomorrow and I only have three pages written which means that sometime between class and work tomorrow I have to get two more pages written. Ugh! I can do this, I can do this!

I have to admit my mood has been better the last few days. Either my meds are finally starting to work or I am on an upswing, one of the two. I don't feel manic yet but I usually have a few days of normal happiness before I hit mania so I'll have to keep my eyes open for other signs.

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How many brothers and sisters would you choose to have, and why?


If I could choose I would not change how many brothers and sisters I have, accept maybe wish for one more sisster. I have three sisters and six brothers and I love each and every one of them immensely. Yes, thet get on my nerves sometimes but they are also my fan club. They support me in everything I do and they never cease to amaze me. They make me laugh constantly. I am so proud to be part of such a large and am happy to say that we are all very close to one another.
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I can't believe this is actually happening. My life has completely turned upside down and nothing makes sense anymore. We think my dad is having an affair. My dad. The man who raised me to believe that affairs were sins and you would burn in Hell for them. The man who taught me that when you married someone that you held true to your vows and you were faithful to that person for the rest of your life. I want to believe this isn't happening but I don't think I can deny it anymore. I mean I knew he had been acting weird (i.e. not wearing his wedding ring, getting a cell phone even though he hates them, texting someone and when asked not telling us who it was) but I believed that maybe the ring had been bothering him (gotten too small or something) that he finally realized that having a cell phone would mean we could get in contact with him in case of an emergency, the texting? I wasn't sure but I assumed it was innocent. I can see now that this was all childish naivety. How did I start suspecting the truth? We were out singing one night and after my little sister and I had gotten everything loaded back into the car, and were ourselves inside, we see him whip out the phone and after, apparently looking at a text message, made a call. We heard only bits of a message he appeared to be leaving on an answering machine, something along the lines of "I'm not mad at you okay, I love you. If I don't get the chance to talk to you tonight, I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you." I thought he was leaving a message on mom's phone. I thought maybe one of the kids had called saying that mom had taken off to spend the night with my older sister at her apartment or something and dad was trying to get a hold of her. The drive back home was awkward and silent because something wasn't quite sitting right with me. Something about that phone call had waved a red flag and I almost prayed that the car would be gone when we got home and I could be sure he had called mom. No. The car was in the driveway and mom was in bed. My next thought was that he had called my older sister. That she had done something in anger and dad was wanting to make amends with her but that was nixed the next day after talking to her. At this point my little sister confronted my mother and told her about the phone call. At this point things began falling apart. Mom wanted to believe he was innocent as much as we did but the next day my little sister snooped in his phone (something I never would have done but I can't blame her I guess) and discovered the name Becky with a heart beside it among the phone numbers. Becky turns out to be an old crush my dad had back in high school and had reconnected with on facebook. She also discovered he had listed his relationship status on facebook as "complicated". I held my mother as she cried that night. None of us still truly believed that he was actually having an affair but mom believed that he had at least considered it and that hurt her. What hurt her even more was the fact that dad had told this woman he loved her. The next day mom confronted dad. He denied it of course. Shocked that we would even consider him doing that. He didn't start yelling or anything instead he talked to mom calmly about it. This comforted us all for a while. Unfortunately it didn't last. Yesterday my brothers destroyed my laptop by placing a magnet on it (let's just say it's been the week from Hell shall we) and I went over to the neighbors to see if I caould at least salvage my documents of my hard drive. I managed to e-mail them to myself. When I came home to see if they would open properly on my computer I of course went to save them and when the documents page popped up to ask where I wanted to save them I saw a file that said Becky. I know you shouldn't snoop but when there is a possibility your father could be having an affair tell me you wouldn't do the same. I found an e-mail he had saved and it tore my heart in to a million pieces. He talked about how he wondered what might have been, what they've missed out on, and that he can't convince himself that he's missed his chance with her. It ended with "What's done is done, let's enjoy the time we have." I haven't shown mom the letter yet. How can I do this? I know I have to, I don't want her to be blind to what is going on but I also don't want to hurt her. I just don't understand what is happening to my life. And I'm confused by my emotions too. Whereas my little sister is angry with him I just feel disappointment and hurt. Oh God what am I going to do?
Current Mood:
confused confused
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Tonight has been horrible! I don't know why but I am just all teary and anxious and strung up. I can't seem to sleep but I don't want to be awake. it is so frustrating. And it doesn't help not knowing what is making me so upset. Today was great. I shouldn't feel so depressed but I do. Right now I feel like I need to get away of do something drastic. I don't know. It's just bad night and more than anything I just wish I would finally find someone who I could love and have him love me in return. I want a boyfriend, badly. I keep wondering if the reason I don't have one is because I am ugly or repulsive in some manner. I just don't know.
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
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It has been a long time since I have posted anything mostly because I had no drive too or was far too busy. I went through a really long period of deep depression because my insurance company dropped me without any warning. Well I filled out all the paper work and turned it in. Four months later no word and no insurance, and more importantly no meds. Not only was I severly depressed but could not see a doctor or go to a hospital because I had no way to pay for it. Besides my depression I began having continuous heart palpatations. Never a good sign. My mother became so concerned she went made an appointment for herself and spoke with my doctor. My doctor was not happy witht the insurance company for not giving advanced notice considering my conditions. YOu cannot simply stop depression or heart medications without serious problems ensuing. She managed to get me one of my blood pressure medications and one of my depression medications and so things got a little better but not much. I was at least able to get out of bed and make the phone call to the insurance company to find out what was going on. Turns out my paper work had been there for months and simply hadn't been looked at. I was furious but didn't let on. I mean the person who was talking to me wasn't at fault. She assured me that my paper work would be looked over by the next week.Well it made me feel a bit better and I was ablt to relax. Well the next week I went into the pharmacy and was charged ten dollars just for one of my medications, I take eight. My heart dropped thinking that my cover charges were going to be too expensive from now on that I would have to do without. Well I was upset and unsure what to do. The next day I got a letter saying my insurance had not been fully restored because they needed more information. I was relieved but get this. They want proof that I have no income. How exactly do you prove that? Go to your non-empoloyer and ask for a non-paystub? Well we're going to work on getting that worked out.

Now on the positive side I've gotten back to acting. I'm currently involved with the Community Theater here in town and I'm really enjoying it. And I am currently in the process of publishing my first novel. I'm waiting for the company to send me the suggested cover design and then they will begin printing the book. I don't think it's really hit me yet. I don't think it will until I'm holding it in my hands. So even though I have had my obvious drama there has been some very uplifting moments lately.
Current Mood:
bored bored
Current Music:
Master of the House from Les Miserables
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So I haven't posted in a while because everything was going great. I was feeling happy and content I was getting things done etc. Well when it came to the end of the semester at college I had to make a bit of a difficult decision of whether or not I was going to be returning for the second semester. It came down to I just couldn't because I didn't have the money. It didn't really upset me though. I figured I needed some time off anyway. I still didn't know what I wanted to go for and I figured I was just wasting money anyway. Well this meant I would have to move back home full time until I got a job and onto subsidized living. I didn't figure it would be a problem since my older sister had just moved out and it first it didn't appear to be. My dad was more than happy to have me at home (what can I say? I'm daddies little girl) and mom could really use the help. So I moved all my stuff home from college, which wasn't a lot, and started getting applications from businesses. Well then I had the room discussion with dad. When I had been coming home on the weekends I had been sleeping in the boys's room. It was really no big deal. We all get along and I was there for so little time it wasn't a bother. However, being home full time it wasn't fair to the boys or me to go on living like that. There was no privacy. So dad figured I would move into the room with my littlest sister since my older sister had just moved out of that room and here began the trouble. J-- threw a big hissy fit about how she had just gotten the room to herself, how all my stuff would make her claustrophobic (I have way less stuff than she does), and why couldn't I just continue living in the boys's room, and blah blah blah. Mom took her side. Let me say right now that I love my mother, I really do, but sometimes she refuses to act like the parent. She doesn't want to be the bad guy but you know what? As a parent sometimes that's your job. I'm not a parent and even I know that! Anyway dad sat down and talked with mom about how it was unfair to have four people sleeping in one room and the other two girls had rooms to themselves. So then we sat down and had the big discussion. The two younger girls had a couple of options: I could move in with J--, A-- could move in with J-- and I would take her room, or A-- and I could take over J--'s room and she would move into A--'s (hopefully you followed that). Oh my God you would think we asked them to build a tree house in the back yard and live in it. After I was in tears and they had stormed off to their rooms dad put his foot down "Sometimes a family isn't a democracy, sometimes it's a dictatorship and I'm the dictator. Tanya will take over A--'s room and A-- will move in with J-- (I think I better come up with fake names for them. Let's see Juliet and Alice)." So I figured it was settled. I was hurt though. Why was it such a problem to live with me? Why didn't Juliet want me in her room. I tried to brush it off. Well they finally told them (I wasn't around on purpose) and of course they were pissed, but it was settled, or so I thought. Today when I was going to start moving my stuff into the room I was informed that Alice was going to be leaving her stuff in there. Okay fine. I didn't have a problem with that as long as I could move it out of the was and she would clear things off so I could set my stuff up. So I go ask her to do that and she informs me that if any of her stuff is moved she would preform certain acts of violence that I won't bother mentioning because it's not important. Well I go ask mom to back me up and she refuses. She says she doesn't understand why the stuff can't stay there. I explain to her that I need places to set my things in my room and she tells me to box it up and put it in the attic! At this point I inquire as to why I have to box up my stuff because she refuses to take her things out of my room? Mom then accuses me of sticking her and dad in the middle of this situation and I agree that maybe I have but only as referees. They are the parents and we are the children, when there is an issue like this they are supposed to deal with it. No I have no problem boxing some of my stuff up but I would like to have some of my stuff in my room and she finds this unreasonable. She points out that I'm only going to be living there for a while. Now that stung. Yes I intend to move out as soon as I can, I informed them of that when I came home (dad told me not to worry about it) but until that time I thought that home would still be home. Instead I feel like I'm some sort of stranger intruding on them. My brothers are great and so is my dad but to my mom and my sisters I seem to be more of a burden and a pain. I just want to feel like my home is my home. I don't know if I'm really being that unrealistic or what but I'm not sure how to deal with this situation.
Current Location:
Friend's house
Current Mood:
rejected rejected
Current Music:
24 hours-Jem
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God I've been longing for a relationship lately again. I just want someone. I'm twenty years old and I haven't had a serious relationship once! I feel like something is wrong with me. What is it that turns guys off to me? I'm nice, I'm pretty smart, I'm not gorgeous but you'd think there would be someone out there who could love me.And it's not like I push myself on them, I just flirt. I know I've posted a similar post in the past but this longing has gotten worse. Why is it that every guy I meet is either taken, not interested or my sister is interested in and I can't cross those boundaries? It's not sex I want I want emotional connection. Making out and all that is great but I want more. I want love or something close to it. Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I'm doing something to push them away. I don't know I just want it so bad! I don't want to wait any longer, which may seem selfish but I want someone to love me, to want to be with me. Maybe not forever but who knows where it could go?
Current Mood:
discontent discontent
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Though my life has been a bit stressful lately (i.e. I'm supposed to be working on a six page paper that is due tomorrow right now. Although I'm only taking a little break and I do have four pages already anyway) I've seemed to run into a bout of happiness that I hope keeps coming my way. I pre-bought two tickets for Twilight because my little sister wants to see it soooooooo bad so I figured it would be a nice surprise. Well I couldn't keep it a secret for long so when she called me this evening I told her and you should have heard her squee. She was so excited and it felt really good to know I had made her so happy.I also got a message from one of my friends thanking me for some advice I had given her because it really helped her. I'm just in a good modd I guess. :)
Current Location:
Library
Current Mood:
giddy giddy
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So I went to bed around ten thirty last night because I was just beat but around three a.m. I woke up. I couldn't fall back asleep no matter how hard I tried. As I was laying there I just started to think about everything I had in life. A home, food, clothing, wonderful friends, and a loving family and I realized that I had so much to be grateful for. I know a lot of people who have it way worse off than I do and it made me feel guilty a bit for all the whining and complaining I do about my own life. I know it's the depression and that's why I get that way but I still felt a bit guilty. At the same time though I felt happy. I realized just what a precious gift I have been given. I don't know what it was about last night that got me in such a good mood but it was nice to feel that way for a change.
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Current Location:
Work
Current Mood:
loved loved
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